NB. This blog was written by a colleague and friend who wishes to remain anonymous.
The words “queer” and “Muslim” are a paradoxical association. You cannot be a good Muslim and be queer. Or partake in queer culture without giving up what is, effectively, an essential part of your identity and sense of self. Or that is what I thought.
Growing up in Italy, a country where being brown and wearing a headscarf are no easy task, I spent way too much energy trying to prove to my peers that I was one of the “good ones”. Between acing school to demonstrate that I was just as clever, and being extremely hyper-aware of how I presented myself (be it the packed lunch I took to school, the clothes I wore, the languages I spoke), little energy was left to reckon with my sexuality.
Along with this came the religious guilt, that overwhelming feeling that, by admitting what deep down I knew is true, I would let God down, I would fail at being a good Muslim and might as well throw the towel on all of my efforts.
Part of this was certainly the lack of visible role models. I didn’t know any bisexual, brown, Muslim women. I thought I was alone, and I thought I was - quite literally - committing a crime. The guilt was unbearable. Sometimes it still is.
I debated for years about whether I could reconcile my faith and my sexuality, and for a long time it felt like one of the two had to go. As I am getting older, however, and gaining more self-awareness and accountability, I am opening up to the possibility that the two – my faith and my sexuality – are not a zero-sum game. I am slowly learning to let go of the guilt, and to treat myself with kindness and compassion, just as I would treat any other friend on the same boat.
If you or someone you know is going through a similar experience (regardless of religion, faith, or lack thereof), here’s what teenage me desperately needed to hear:
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